Absolute Boyfriend My Foot!
by si5544
Summary: AU Naruto's crazy cousin sends him one of his creations as a gift and since then all he's wanted was to send it back, but that's not exactly easy when said gift is a stubborn teme with a major attitude problem! sasunaru
1. something wicked this way comes

**A/N:** Hey peoples I got the idea for this from reading absolute boyfriend but no worries it's not going to be the same the only thing similar is that Sasuke is going to be a robot and that's it everything else is straight from my crazy town of a brain

**Warning:** this story contains **YAOI** that's boy love people! So if you don't like that **TURN BACK NOW!**

**Disclaimer:** I do **NOT **own Naruto

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>Naruto was never one to complain, really. He believed you should take what life deals you head on, without question, no looking back and no complaining. But when he opened a package from his crazy ass cousin and stared down at what better not be what he thinks it is, well I think it's obvious that that way of thinking was thrown out the window and he could only think of one thing to say,<p><p>

"What... the fuck?"

I appear to be getting ahead of myself let me start over.

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>Naruto had been at work and like most people do in this day and age, he believed he worked with complete idiots. But as stated before he wasn't one for complaining, so when Sakura was so busy trying(and failing) to flirt her way through life that she accidentally shredded the files that needed to be brought up to the big boss, he ever so graciously(with a slight twitch in his brow) offered to redo them and take the blame.<p><p>

And when the new guy, Sai, had ended up making an ink bomb when he put too much of the stuff in the copy machine(honestly you would think a so called artist would know when he's using too muck ink) he had given up his lunch break to help him clean the stuff up. I mean sure he was daydreaming about different ways to torture him the whole time, but he kept it to himself and helped the idiot. And when his best friend Kiba had been caught peeping in the girls bathroom and all the girls had ganged up on him to beat the crap out of him he of course pulled up a chair, ripped open a bag of skittles, and preceded to laugh his ass off. What? He can't help everyone you know.

And in case you're wondering, yes, this all happened in the span of one day. So when he was finally off and allowed to leave he was so dead tired, with a pounding headache to boot, that when Lee came to him screaming about some youthful get-together with the rest of the guys later on he had to be restrained from stapling his mouth shut and bashing his head in with said stapler. Hey he doesn't complain but let it never be said that Naruto cant get violent. Lee on the other hand just looked at Naruto like nothing had happened and ask, "So my friend how about it?" Naruto gave Lee a tight smile and replied, "Not today Lee, may be some other time." and left before he could reply.

When he finally got home he made himself a cup ramen and sat down to watch some tv. About an hour later his cellphone rang. He looked at the caller ID and groaned when he saw his cousin's name pop up, but answered anyway.

"What do you want Kyuubi?" he asked annoyed.

"**Is it there yet?"** was the reply.

Naruto gave his phone a suspicious look and replied, "Is what here yet?"

"**Oops never mind then call you later!"** was the hasty response before the line went dead.

Naruto gave his phone an incredulous look and was about to start screaming some very not nice things at it when, as if on cue, the door bell rang. Now normally he would have just got up and answered but the call he just received was making him glare at the door like a mass murderer was gonna jump through it any second, so instead he called out, "Who is it?" "Delivery!" was the reply he got.

"_Oh fuck."_ he thought and, deciding it was rude to keep delivery men waiting, he got up and slowly ever so cautiously answered the door. Outside were three men all wearing the same light brown shirt and shorts, two of which were holding a box that was at least six feet long and three feet wide. The one in front of him held up a medal clipboard with some paper attached and said, "Sign here please." Naruto just nodded dumbly and did as asked to busy wondering what the hell was in the box. The man in front looked at the paper said, "Ok." and nodded to the two holding the box. Naruto moved out of the way as the men took it upon themselves to enter his home, they went to the living room, gently placed the box on the floor, and politely nodded goodbye as they left.

Naruto locked the door and slowly crept to his living room and preceded to eye the box like it was a bomb ready to go off. He kicked it lightly with his foot and jumped back and, when nothing had happened a second later, deemed it somewhat safe. What? You never know what to expect from a crazy cousin like Kyuubi. He's a mad scientist! Well not really just a scientist that's won three Nobel prizes.

But hey not much difference. Naruto noticed an envelope stapled to the box and ripped it off, opened it up, and took the note out to read it.

_**Dear Naru-chan,**_

_**You know I love you, and I know you don't get out much anymore and seeing as that is unacceptable for a cousin such as mine I have decided to send you one of my newest creations, and don't worry you can thank me later! Now be good and play nice and I'll check up on you soon!**_

_**Love,**_

_**Your Cousin Kyuu**_

_**teehee XP**_

"_'Teehee' my ass you son of a bitch. And don't call me Naru-chan!"_ thought Naruto his eyebrow twitching. He sighed and decided he might as well open it up so he went to the kitchen, got a steak knife, and carefully preceded to open the box but when he did he almost screamed like a little girl. Inside was a person who looked to be sleeping. He was completely black and white, with pale skin, raven hair, black shirt and pants, and a white tag on his foot. Naruto stared at him for a full five minutes before,

"What... the fuck?" _"Did I just get sent a dead body?"_

TBC

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><strong>AN:** well review and tell me how I'm doing!


	2. May be I should change my name and move

**A/N:** I am soooo so sorry that I haven't been updating but a whole mess of things happened between then and now and I'm finally ready to get back to it! So here's the next chappy of Absolute Boyfriend My Foot! ENJOY! Oh and I went back and read the first chapter just to make sure I didn't repeat anything in this one and when I got to a certain part I stopped and thought did I seriously deliver Sasuke in a CARDBOARD BOX! HOW IS THAT EVEN POSIBLE! lol

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><p>Naruto stared at the box a few minutes more before diving for his phone on the couch and calling his cousin. Every ring caused his body to do some weird twitchy jerking thing. Finally Kyuubi answered, <strong>"Naru-chan! What a pleasant surprise, it seems like I'm the one always calling you! So, how have you been? It feels like forever since we last spoke! You know, you really should keep in touch more often. It makes me get a warm feeling in my stomach when ever I hear my sweet baby cousin's voice. So, what's up?"<strong>

Naruto swore the twitch he developed from Kyuubi's rambling was permanent. He scowled at the phone before replying, "What's up? You wanna know what's up! I'll tell you what's up! First of all how many times do I have to tell you not to call me Naru-chan, second of all we just spoke twenty minutes ago, and third of all TAKE IT BACK!"

"**Take what back? The warmness of my tummy? Well I simply cannot do that Naru-chan for it is proof of my love for you. If anything I should be demanding where your warm tum-tum is and why you never- Naru-chan, what's that banging noise? Naru-chan?"** Naruto stopped banging his head on the wall when he heard Kyuubi calling him.

"NO! I don't care about your little stomach virus! I want you to take back the dead body you had shipped to my house!" Naruto screamed into the phone but making sure to whisper scream the 'dead body' part.

"**Why Naru-chan, I can honestly say I have no idea what you're talking about."**

"Yeah, right. The only way you would honestly have no idea what I'm talking about is if you used one of your crazy experiments to erase this whole thing from your head just so you could have 'plausible deniability' while I end up taking the fall for it!"

"**Naru-chan, don't you think your overreacting and letting your mind get the best of you just a little bit?"**

"YOU'VE DONE IT BEFORE- look, I don't wanna get into this right now, just take it back alright." Naruto said face palming and sighing while moving into the kitchen to make a calming cup of tea.

"**And what would you like me to take back if you were not talking about the ooey-gooeyness of my food holder?"** _'Ooey-gooeyness? Food holder? What the fuck?'_ Naruto thought staring at his phone with a disturbed look while seriously considering giving up on the conversation and just disposing of the body in his living room in a dumpster or something. Hey, he's seen them do it on T.V., how hard can it be?

"I was talking about the little_ gift_ you sent me via delivery man, I want you to take it back. Now."

"**And what gift would that be? I have no knowledge of this so called gift."**

"That's bull and you know it! Why else would you have called me mere moments before it got here asking, and I quote, 'is it there yet?'" Naruto said. He was starting to develop a migraine thanks to this.

"**Well that obviously wasn't me."**

"I have you on caller I.D."

"**Wrong number."**

"Then how do you explain the note stapled to the box? It was addressed to me from you!"

"**...It was forged?"**

"DAMMIT KYUUBI! IF YOU DON'T STOP SCREWING AROUND I SWEAR I WILL FIND YOU AND-"

"**OKAY, OKAY! Yes, I did in fact send said package to you. Happy now?"**

"No! I'll be happy when you take the damn thing back!"

"**Hey! Don't call him a thing! He is a living, well not really, but he's a breathing, nope not right either, WELL HE HAS FEELINGS!...I think. OKAY, BUT HE FOR SURELY HAS A NAME!"**

"I DON'T CARE, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO JUST TAKE IT BACK!"

"**Sorry, Naru-chan, I can't do that."**

"And why not?"

"**Because it would be unfair of me to rip him away from his new home when he just got there."**

"New home? You expect me to keep him here!"

"**Of course I do silly why else would I send him there?"**

"Because you're an insane asshole who get's his jollies off of mailing dead people to relatives!"

"**Okay, first of all, the name calling is unnecessary and ever so slightly hurtful. Second of all, he's not dead, he's simply powered down."**

"Powered down? The hell does that mean?"

"**It means he's a robot of course."**

"WHAT!"

"**Well I say robot but he's more of an artificially intelligent android complete with all the parts of a real boy! I just used robot cause I figured that term was easier for you to understand."**

"I don't care what he is! Now you definitely have to take him back!"

"**Tell you what Naru-chan, just keep him for a few months and if your still unhappy then I'll take him back but until then just enjoy the extra company, okay!"**

"No! I don't want the 'extra company' I'm perfectly fine by myself!"

"**Okay, Naru-chan, nice talking to you again! I'll call to check up on you two later! Love you, bye!"**

"Don't you dare hang up on me Kyuubi! I said to take it ba-" Naruto growled when he was cut off from the call ending and attempted to call his crazy cousin back but each and every time went strait to voice mail, the fucker had turned his phone off! _'That is it! I am calling my lawyer and getting a restraining order first thing tomorrow!'_ Naruto drank the rest of his now cool tea in teeny sips before slowly washing the cup, drying it then putting it away. _'Okay Naruto, you're obviously stalling just get it over with. Like ripping of a band-aid, quick and easy. Heh, quick and easy, sounds like something Kiba would say his annoying bow chika bow wow to. Okay, clearly stalling again.'_

Naruto sighed, continued to the living room, and stood in front of the open box. He looked it over to see if there was a manual or something when he saw the white tag on his foot. He bent down and carefully took it off and scoffed at the little thing that said _"Hi, My name is Sasuke!"_ with a smiley face under the words. He moved up by Sasuke's head and stared down at him before staring at the little piece of paper like it held the answers to the universe. "This is ridiculous. I'm really supposed to believe that your some super futuristic robot? I mean Kyuubi's a genius and all but that's a major stretch. But look at me indulging his madness by actually speaking to you like you can really hear me. And not to mention your name is Sasuke. What's with him giving you such an old fashioned name?"

"I happen to like my name." a voice said and Naruto scoffed before replying "That's all well and good for you, I'm just saying tha-" Naruto froze and slowly looked from the paper in his hand over to Sasuke to see him sitting up and smirking at him causing him to go wide eyed and slack jawed.

Sasuke just chuckled a bit and said, "What a cute dobe." Causing Naruto to scream, fall on his but, and scooch back into the couch amusing Sasuke further. Sasuke stood up and stepped out of the box moving a bit closer to Naruto. "So you're my new _playmate_, huh?" Sasuke remarked looking over Naruto like he was measuring his worth and Naruto definitely did not like the way Sasuke said playmate. Sasuke seemed to finish his appraisal with that smirk that was quickly becoming irritating in Naruto's eyes before shrugging and saying, "You'll do."

Suffice it to say, hearing this, Naruto snapped. "What the hell do you mean 'I'll do'! And what the fuck did you mean when you said playmate! You know what never mind, forget I asked! Just do me a favor and go die!" Naruto screamed throwing every heavy thing in reaching distance he could at Sasuke and getting more and more irritated each time he successfully dodged said items. Naruto spotted something glinting out of the corner of his eye and when he turned his head he saw the knife he used to open the box and took a dive for it, but before he could reach it Sasuke caught on and pinned Naruto to the floor.

Naruto started trying to struggle free when he thought _'Wait a minute, he feels like a real human! And Kyuubi did say he came with all the parts of a real boy so may be...'_ Naruto quickly jerked his knee into Sasuke's no no area. "MOTHER FUCKER THAT HURT!" screamed Naruto as he knee throbbed. Sasuke just kept smirking and said, "Sorry Naruto, nice try though, Kyuubi thought ahead. It's reinforced." _'The hell! How do you reinforce something like that!'_ Naruto thought and plastered the ultimate WTF look on his face.

Sasuke chuckled at the look all the while still pinning Naruto and said, "Well now that you've calmed down allow me to introduce myself properly. My name is Sasuke, Uchiha version 2.0. I look forward to living with you from now on. Please take care of me."

_'What the hell! WHY DO I ALWAYS GET STUCK WITH THE CRAZY ASSHOLES!'_

**TBC**

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><p><strong>AN:** Well that was fun to write I especially like Kyuubi as an eccentric mad scientist lol well do me a favor and give me some feed back! Review people, review!


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